11 ways to improve your relationship with your adolescent children

For as long as I can remember, I’ve heard everyone claim that teenagers are tough to understand and that this is the most challenging time to be a parent. I’ve always enjoyed questioning things and finding new ways of dealing with so-called complex problems. I believe that life is a lot simpler than we think. We complicate it sometimes. I am a parent of three teenagers, and I can say that we all have a great relationship. How come? There is no great secret, just some simple things we, as parents, do.

1. Respect your kids. 

Try to understand that they are completely different human beings with their own needs. You don’t want a small version of yourself. You don’t want to rise a kid who blindly follows the crowd, so stop telling them what to do and start teaching them how to think. Encourage them to form their own opinions. Play your part by explaining to them what matters to you and, more importantly, why it matters. Explain your actions and the reasoning behind your decisions. Tell them why you do something. Explain the ramifications of each situation.

2. Be their parent, not their friend. 

Of course, a great relationship is open and allows you to talk about anything, but remember that it is your responsibility to guide them and show them what is good and what is harmful. They need your expertise. Allow them to have some independence while also establishing some clear boundaries.

3. Lead by example rather than by rules.

Try to be a role model rather than some lunatic directing them what to do or who to be. Show them how you are by acting properly, not by theories you don’t even follow. Let them see you handling different problems, and stop hiding your reactions or concerns. Explain your behavior in each situation. They are intelligent, and their ability to comprehend things will often amaze you.

4. Be open to new ideas and willing to change your mind.

We are all unique individuals with diverse backgrounds and interests. Our children have grown up in a different environment than we did. Try to respect that. They love different things. I know you enjoy reading and want your children to enjoy it too, but we all have distinct learning styles. They can learn far more from a YouTube video created by a V-logger they admire than from a book published years ago. We live in a different era and must adapt accordingly. What keeps us alive is our ability to adapt to an ever-changing environment. The dinosaurs are all dead!

5. Trust them.

Typically, they have a greater understanding of their own needs and desires than you do. Give them space. We all have an inner voice guiding us through life. Teach them to listen to that voice, rather than follow society’s rules. Allow them the right to live their lives and follow their dreams. After all, you want to see them happy and fulfilled. Of course, you should monitor the situation and see how they develop, but please, let them test different things. Explain a lot, but also learn to listen. Provoke them, ask for arguments when they want something, and observe their thinking and values. Ask about their thoughts on their life. It builds their confidence and helps them see that they are important. It teaches them to fight for what they want and the values they hold.

6. Allow them to make mistakes.

Stop acting like a saint. We all learn through mistakes, and it’s far better to make them now, as teenagers than later. Show them your vulnerabilities, and admit when you are wrong. They will trust you more and value the lessons they learn by being wrong.

7. Allow them to socialize.

Encourage them to make friends, go out, and socialize with others. It’s your responsibility to teach them the value of a genuine relationship. You will not live forever. Humans, as social animals, require a sense of belonging, as well as being loved and understood by others. Don’t just ask for academic results. They can learn a lot in school, but they learn the most important lessons living their lives according to their age.

8. Don’t make it harder than it already is.

Being a teen is a very challenging period, with mood changes and transformations that they don’t understand. Don’t make it harder by setting absurd rules and boundaries. Try to offer them a place where they will feel accepted no matter what. There is a lot of pressure from outside, don’t make them act like someone else in your presence too. Accepting them as they are will help them develop their personality. Explain that life has ups and downs and that we are not defined by a specific reaction, a specific situation, or a specific mistake we made. They all pass, and what matters, in the end, is what we learned.

9. Don’t lie.

Hiding the truth is still a lie. Don’t lie about your struggles. You don’t want them to believe that life is a fairy tale or see you as someone they can’t trust. We all deal with different situations, and how we handle them determines whether or not we are successful. Allow them to witness how you deal with adversity and your reactions in times of joy. Teach them to appreciate life no matter what. After all, there is the journey that matters most, not the destination.

10. Motivation comes from within.

You cannot force your children to obey rules, value certain things, or study simply because you say so. I understand that explaining your actions can be exhausting sometimes, but please be patient. Parenting has more ups than downs. Every time you ask them to do something, offer arguments. Make sure they understand why studying is so important. Expose them to different situations to help figure out what they like and dislike. Help them discover who they are. Allow them time to manifest by creating a space for them to do so. Don’t be judgmental and try to understand their arguments.

11. Spend time together.

It takes time to build a great relationship. Allow them to know you, do things together, ask for their advice, and try to include them in every decision that affects them. They are human beings, not some toys you can play with only when you feel like it.

Raising conscious children in today’s world can be difficult when you see them as just kids. But once you realize they are tiny humans with all the tools they need to live a fulfilled life, you give them your trust and allow them to manifest, everything becomes easy.